The gym is a torture chamber! How on earth do some people actually enjoy it? I've lost 2 & a half kgs in my 1st month and I'm told that it means nothings since my BMI & Viscarus fat are too high & I could have a heart attack & keel over & die at any second! That was a blow to my ego. & here I thought I had worked myself to death 5 days a week for a month without fail.

I'm confused; some say BMI & Viscarus fat is general & bs & that there really isn't any sure way of measuring that but my partner in death is a firm believer that we are not well on the road to health! I still believe though, in agreeance with my other friends that a change of diet is in order. Now it's just a matter of implementing ............... & the fact that it's December is no easy feat!

So here we are running on the damned treadmill for an hour in the morning, then cardio exercises for another hour over lunch. Yes, twice a day! By the time I get home, I am more than the word exhausted! I am finished! We're supposed to have something light after the lunch hour gym thing but I then have to catch up at work & there's no time. This means that, I haven't been eating lunch and by the time I get home I realise then only that I'm starving. Not a good thing because then I'm tempted to overeat. Nevermind the fact that I'm too exhausted to cook or attempt to find anything to 'right' to cook! This is just an endless cycle.

So I force myself to go every day becuase I've paid for it and that's my only consolation. But I don't like those people!!! Making me feel pain in various parts of my body that I never knew existed. Telling me I can't eat my Nandos and KFC ice-cream! How dare they!!!!

I'm in a dead end job & this realization annoys the hell out of me. It's not even about me not wanting to progress because goodness knows I want to more than anything in the world but the constant bs I get make me want to murder those involved. It's so bad I can't even look at those idiots; I don't even want to be in the same vicinity as them. I thought about them briefly while at the gym this morning and I got so nauseated I had to stop. This is not normal.

But I can't quit until I find another source of income which depresses me even further. The economy is crumbling; jobs are scarce. Lucky are those that actually find something. I am so envious. Alternatively, I can always open my own business which is a bit tricky considering the economy. So options are low. Decisions, decisions ........ I have a plan still being refined for a business, in conjunction with a friend but we need finances to get it off the ground. & we all know that getting a business off the ground requires a whole lot of finances which we won't be able to make back for a good few years which mean, we still have to be employed until our business gets off the ground.

Everything just seems to revolve around us being employed. I wish I could throw caution to the wind and jump into this venture with both feet but I have a family to consider; bills to pay. If my husband were a billionaire I wouldn't even give it a second thought. But here we are; dreaming away. Plotting murders.

I often wonder, in an organization as big as this, why do colleagues continuously feel that there are some things beneath them. We were all hired with the knowledge of what, why, how, when .......... So why the ignorance? It's not as if my colleagues work in a different department ....... We all utilize the same systems but one day away from the office and all hell breaks loose! Who the hell told them I was going to hold their hands forever? And then they resign and a vacancy is presented but I am called aside and warned off it. Do I have ADMINISTRATOR FOR LIFE posted on my forehead?

I am furious (not angry); I am hurt. I am demotivated. Demoralised. I actually enjoy my current job but I hate the politics that surround it; the lack of faith; lack of transparency. I hate this place! There's no ownership, no motivation, no nothing. & here I thought my previous job was bad ..... Actually it was! But the point is, one would have thought that a company of this stature wouldn't have the kind of office politics that it currently has. Every place of employment has office politics but dammit! It's like there's a personal vendetta out there against me.

I see things happening; fix peoples' mistakes; don't take credit for anything and get rewarded with absolutely nothing. This place These people have borne a big fat ugly monster in me & I hate every tiny aspect of it. What's worse is that I can't even report it because I know that it'll just get shoved aside and forgotten about. With this knowledge I still come to work every day hoping for a miracle - like somebody being run over by fast speeding vehicle!

I've watched the entire Twilight series and now I'm at a loss of what to anticipate next. And after all these years, I'm only discovering the soundtracks now. I'm not into that genre of music so imagine the suprise of discovering I actually like it!

So this has me thinking about something I've always wondered about .... What effect does music and / or movies have on a person? Nothing detrimental like guns blazing and all that but emotionally ........ This song Flying bird, American mouth - the title is absolute nonsence, but it pulls on my heart strings. I have visions of scenes throughout the entire Twilight series when I hear the song and my heart gets all warm and fuzzy. Does that happen to me only? And I'm going to associate this song with these movies for as long as I live. The melody (because I can't hear any of the words) is just so beautiful and suited for the movie that it makes me wish I was a Bella with Edward chasing after me.

The First Time!!!

This is so exciting ..............

There are so many things to say ............................. That sounds like I'm talking to another human!

I'm a bundle of feelings today. I woke up blank but I had a fair amount of energy to physically get out of bed; no need for convincing today. Tried not think about gym, as I got ready for gym. I figured that if I thought about it ..... I wouldn't go. Can't do that to my partner. But are you supposed to feel like this? We have a target ... to lose weight and be fit. To have energy. To feel better. It's a good thing - exercising, but dammnit it's hard! Or could it be that we have to come to work thereafter .......... But that's another topic.

So we don't have energy, nor do we feel energised; it doesn't feel like we've lost weight. After the gym, climbing the steps in the office is always so daunting. Permanently councelling myself to take another step and not crumble to floor.

Then there's the whole dieting aspect. Not dieting in the real sense but changing your diet to enable us to get to our goal (and losing 30kgs is a huge goal!). The instructors maintain that we should Omega 3 / Fish Oil n cheese, milk, fish, skinless chicken and all that jazz. Other (reliable) sources have a different opinion on what should be eaten. In this case, which is the right one? I'm baffled as I really do want to reach my goal but ....... confucious! The gist is that you should eat right, in small quantities, many times during the day. What is right? Food is meant to be eaten! The more the merrier!!!!

Seriously it takes a lot of determination to maintain a healthy lifestyle which is the ultimate goal, more so than just plain losing weight and with that, you need to have the right mind frame, I think. You have to start somewhere and that right there is problem - starting somewhere and adjusting to the decision made. The power of the mind. I need help with the mind!!!!