I'm in a dead end job & this realization annoys the hell out of me. It's not even about me not wanting to progress because goodness knows I want to more than anything in the world but the constant bs I get make me want to murder those involved. It's so bad I can't even look at those idiots; I don't even want to be in the same vicinity as them. I thought about them briefly while at the gym this morning and I got so nauseated I had to stop. This is not normal.

But I can't quit until I find another source of income which depresses me even further. The economy is crumbling; jobs are scarce. Lucky are those that actually find something. I am so envious. Alternatively, I can always open my own business which is a bit tricky considering the economy. So options are low. Decisions, decisions ........ I have a plan still being refined for a business, in conjunction with a friend but we need finances to get it off the ground. & we all know that getting a business off the ground requires a whole lot of finances which we won't be able to make back for a good few years which mean, we still have to be employed until our business gets off the ground.

Everything just seems to revolve around us being employed. I wish I could throw caution to the wind and jump into this venture with both feet but I have a family to consider; bills to pay. If my husband were a billionaire I wouldn't even give it a second thought. But here we are; dreaming away. Plotting murders.

I often wonder, in an organization as big as this, why do colleagues continuously feel that there are some things beneath them. We were all hired with the knowledge of what, why, how, when .......... So why the ignorance? It's not as if my colleagues work in a different department ....... We all utilize the same systems but one day away from the office and all hell breaks loose! Who the hell told them I was going to hold their hands forever? And then they resign and a vacancy is presented but I am called aside and warned off it. Do I have ADMINISTRATOR FOR LIFE posted on my forehead?

I am furious (not angry); I am hurt. I am demotivated. Demoralised. I actually enjoy my current job but I hate the politics that surround it; the lack of faith; lack of transparency. I hate this place! There's no ownership, no motivation, no nothing. & here I thought my previous job was bad ..... Actually it was! But the point is, one would have thought that a company of this stature wouldn't have the kind of office politics that it currently has. Every place of employment has office politics but dammit! It's like there's a personal vendetta out there against me.

I see things happening; fix peoples' mistakes; don't take credit for anything and get rewarded with absolutely nothing. This place These people have borne a big fat ugly monster in me & I hate every tiny aspect of it. What's worse is that I can't even report it because I know that it'll just get shoved aside and forgotten about. With this knowledge I still come to work every day hoping for a miracle - like somebody being run over by fast speeding vehicle!